Reflections and Confessions About the Presidential Debate

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Ok…take 26 or so… I have had a horrible time writing this post. I have struggled with it more than anything I have ever written…

It started Sunday night. I was watching the movie, The Equalizer. In this movie, a man rescues a teenage girl from forced prostitution by taking on the Russian mafia and killing everyone that had anything to do with mistreating this girl. As I applauded the story, the reality weighed heavy on my mind that even if this scenario were possible, it wouldn’t help anything because sex trafficking in America is a billion dollar business. As long as there is money to be made, people will continue to victimize the helpless.

In the middle of wrestling with this very sad truth, my husband switched over to the debate. As I watched the two people who are hoping to lead the greatest nation in the world try to decide who has the least character, I tuned them out and began praying… “Lord, how did we get here?” I wrestled with this question for a while and I got some very convicting answers…they were tough for me to hear and tough for me to accept, but there is one truth that was revealed to me that I don’t like and I’m still wrestling with it…

Let me explain:

As I prayed, I immediately thought of the Bible verse, 1 Chronicles 7:14 “If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face, then I will hear from heaven and I will heal their land.” I love this verse. I love to harp on it. I personally and un-humbly think that it is one of the most misused verses in our country right now. People love to quote it and point at other people and start talking about how “they” need to change so God will heal our land…

I fool myself into believing I am different because I am willing to pray and ask God what I am doing wrong. I am willing to consider that I need to change. I actually did start with myself this time and I came up with a list of things that I need to work on. My list basically falls under two categories (that I’m sure I will be writing more about later…)

  1. I wrongly associate money with God’s favor. Of course, I know that my most important blessings are not financial, but I totally get discouraged and feel like God didn’t keep his end of the bargain if I have money problems. Also, I do not live out the truths that I have taught other people about budgeting because it just didn’t seem worth it after the housing crisis when everyone who just didn’t try got bailed out. I kinda lost my steam on being super disciplined with my money.
  2. I think that if I am rightly following God that he should do huge things through me. I fell for the “do big things” mentality and I neglected doing a lot of little things that mattered. This attitude leads me to lots of self-doubt because I’m not involved in anything “big” right now. I’m just focusing on being faithful with who God puts in my path, I’m blogging and being a grandma, wife and mom…doesn’t seem big or glamourous but I’m pretty sure I’m where I’m supposed to be…

So, I confessed these things pretty easily and felt super-holy for having done so. I even prayed with my hubby and thanked God for speaking to me (cause it is crazy amazing that God cares enough to point out ways I need to get better). And I started to write about this experience thinking that my blog post was going to wow America and cause everyone to turn back to God, get their act together, and miraculously do something wonderful with the mess we are currently in…

 

Only, everything I wrote felt wrong. I couldn’t get what I wanted to say out of me. I honestly don’t know how many attempts I made. Eventually, in frustration, I sat down and asked God to show me what the problem was…

 

I heard an answer that I didn’t want to hear, “You don’t trust me.”

 

I immediately argued with this feeling, but I knew it was true. I looked back over my posts. I was supposed to be sharing about the importance of the church. I was supposed to be sharing that politics are incredibly important but they are like peewee football and the church is like the NFL in importance. I was supposed to encourage dialog, peace, wisdom and seeking God.

 

However, there was one problem. I have a son in the military. He is a wonderful competent young man, but he is still my son and I don’t trust God with him.

Before you judge me, you have to understand. My son said to me, “Mom don’t just pray for God to keep me safe. Pray for God to help me train well. Pray for me to be a good leader, to learn everything I need to learn and to use it when I need to. Pray for me to be put in the middle of harm and survive it, but please don’t pray for me to just be safe!”

 

So when I try to write about the church being more important, I know it’s true. I know that we are the answer, in my head, but my heart is full of fear. I can’t write about what I know because my fear keeps writing subtle digs to make you vote the way I think you should vote.

 

So…instead of a world changing blog, I wrote a life-changing confession…